So this post is going to give a little insight to my current pregnancy and how it came to be.
In all honesty, it took me awhile to get pregnant. Once you spend some time actually trying to get pregnant you will never again understand how someone can “accidentally” get knocked up. When you really want a baby it feels like time moves by more slowly than ever. I never thought I would be one of those women that got fertility tracking apps, ovulation tests, etc. but when my husband told me he wanted to have a baby I wanted to get the show on the road ASAP!
At first I didn’t put a whole lot of effort into getting pregnant. I didn’t think it was going to be hard at all. I mean come on, all he has to do is not pull out right?
Now let me tell you something, there is nothing more heartbreaking than wanting a baby and all of the tests coming back negative. Within 4 months of trying I got a positive test. I was only 9 weeks along according to my OB but I couldn’t hold in the excitement and had to tell my family.
Not even 2 weeks after telling my side of the family; I had a miscarriage. It was honestly one of the most devastating things that I have ever experienced. I sat in the bathroom, alone because my husband was at work, with blood coming out of me and crying because I felt like it was my fault. I felt like maybe if I hadn’t told anyone yet or if I had been more gentle in my daily activities or eaten better it wouldn’t have happened. My OB said there was nothing to be done except check for any tissue left inside after my body was done expelling what it could because it wasn’t a viable pregnancy, I wasn’t far enough along to save the baby. And so there I sat, terrified because there was nothing I could do.
I don’t know about other women, but when I started trying to have a baby I didn’t think about all the things that could go wrong that early. The only thing that I really thought about were all of the genetic concerns and things they pick up later on by looking at an ultrasound.
I can not tell you how many time my husband held me in the bathroom as I couldn’t stop the cascade of tears. I felt like less of a woman. I felt ashamed of my body for not doing what it was meant to do.
It took awhile but my hubby convinced me to try again. After 2 more months of trying and crying myself to sleep thinking a baby wasn’t in God’s plan for me, it happened; just like a movie scene.
I went to see my gynecologist for a regular check up and Lewis had come with me because we were going out-of-town for the weekend directly after the appointment. I didn’t want to get my hopes up but I asked the nurse to do a pregnancy test anyways. I actually wasn’t thinking about it when the nurse came back and asked if I wanted Lewis to come back into the room to sit with me. I said that I was fine with him being in the waiting room but she went and got him anyways and then she proceeded to tell us that we were expecting, again!
Fast forward a couple of long and weary months and now here I am 26 weeks pregnant and going strong. We are having a baby girl expected May 29th and her name is Kimberly Grace. Grace is God’s mercy and this is our rainbow baby. Knowing that there is a life blooming inside of me is more than enough to get past the insomnia, heels in the ribs, and immense heartburn.